No matter how much you thrive on being your organization’s go-to person; no matter how many points you’ll score with others by saying ‘yes’; and no matter how important a task or project feels in any given moment, from time to time for your own health and sanity, and that of your colleagues, sometimes you’ll need to say ‘no’.
Why we find it hard to say ‘no’
Let’s be clear about one thing: it can be hard to say ‘no’. Especially when one of your strengths is empathy. That’s because when we have too much on our plate, or we’re feeling stressed, we try to compensate by overusing our empathy. When we do that, we end up trying too hard to please people, and that can become our biggest weakness.
When you’re being a ‘people pleaser’ you’re indirectly trying to gain acceptance and affection by helping, pleasing, rescuing, and flattering others. These actions are fear-based because they come from a negative mindset. In this state, it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs, and you can start to become resentful of giving more than receiving. With a negative mindset there is no positive way of saying ‘no’.
What saying ‘no’ says ‘yes’ to
‘No’ doesn’t have to be negative. In fact, it can be liberating.
By saying ‘no’ to one thing, you’re able to say ‘yes’ to something else that’s more important for you, creating a more balanced, efficient, and fulfilling work life. The questions you really want to ask yourself are: what are my needs, and what’s most important for me?
Here are 3 things you can gain from saying ‘no’:
1. Focus and prioritization
Every ‘yes’ comes with a commitment of time, energy, and resources. When you say ‘no’ to less important or distracting requests, you make yourself available for what truly matters. Often, this leads to allocating resources more efficiently and working toward your strategic goals with greater clarity and purpose. Saying ‘no’ allows you, as a leader, to focus on your priorities.
2. Healthy boundaries
Saying ‘no’, when necessary, is an act of self-care that helps you protect your physical and mental well-being, ensuring that you have the energy and resilience needed to lead effectively in a positive minset.
3. Trust and accountability
Effective leaders are skilled decision-makers. When you say ‘no’ to certain opportunities or requests, you’re choosing to focus your attention elsewhere. Staying true to your priorities signals your commitment to them. As a result, your team is more likely to respect your judgment, trust your leadership, and know you have their back when they need to say ‘no’.
Saying ‘no’ with a positive mindset
You’ve probably heard the expression: it’s not what you say, but how you say it. The word ‘no’ is a perfect example of this.
When you imagine someone with a negative mindset saying ‘no’ to you, what comes to mind? Maybe the person is shouting, red-faced, and spitting expletives? Perhaps they’re saying things like: “Are you crazy? I don’t have time to do that! What makes you think that I can take on this project?”
Now imagine someone with a positive mindset, saying ‘no’. How is it different? They’re almost certainly calm, clear-headed, and focused. Maybe they talk in a quiet, apologetic tone, saying things like: “I’m sorry, I just don’t think I can tackle that right now. My time is committed elsewhere right now. Can we revisit it later this month?”
Which person would you rather work with? I know which one I’d prefer!
Preparing to say ‘no’ positively
Before you say ‘no’ in the right way, you’ll need to be in a positive mindset. That way, you’ll be present, calm, clear-headed, and focused on what matters most to you and your team.
When you’re in a negative mindset and feeling negative emotions – like needing to please people – label them as negative emotions or saboteurs and do a reset to get into a positive mindset where you have access to your strengths, including empathy.
A ‘reset’ is when you focus on one thing and let go of negative thoughts. It could be as simple as a few deep breaths. Ask yourself: what resets can I do during the saying ‘no’ conversation? Try deep breaths, or focus on one thing about the person in front of you, like their eyes, hair, or voice. Pick one thing and let go of your thoughts.
5 tips for giving someone a positive ‘no’
Once you’re in a positive mindset – and you’re at your best – it’s easy to say ‘no’ positively. Here are 5 tips to say your next ‘no’ with a positive mindset:
- Be nice. You can’t go wrong by being polite! Express your appreciation for being asked or considered, even if you ultimately need to say ‘no.’
- Be positive. Avoid sounding defensive or confrontational. Keep the conversation friendly.
- Be sorry. A little empathy can go a long way. Letting someone know that you genuinely regret having to decline their request shows you understand how important that request is to them.
- Be honest. Your reasons for saying ‘no’ are enough. Clearly explain why you’re declining the request, but avoid over-explaining, which can lead to misunderstandings.
- Be helpful. Just because you say ‘no’—or ‘no for now’—doesn’t mean everyone else will. Offer alternatives or compromises, or collaborate to find a new solution.
Saying ‘no’ is your new superpower
‘No’ has many variations, and we could all use a little more practice saying it. For leaders, saying ‘no’ isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a superpower. Saying ‘no’ enables you to focus on your priorities, set and maintain healthy boundaries, and build trust among your team and organization.
Do you find it challenging to say no iat work? By learning when and how to say ‘no’, you strengthen your personal and professional relationships and improve your overall well-being and performance at work and in life. Coaching can help you to be at your best and do what matters most to you.
Interested? Book a complimentary coaching session with me today. Book now
Further Reading:
- The Essentialist: The Disciplined Pursuit Of Less by Greg McKeown
- Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% Of Teams And Individuals Achieve Their True Potential By Shirzad Chamine